Heartache

I can remember hearing the word "heartache" as a kid. I thought it meant your heart literally hurt, like a stomach ache only higher. As I've grown into an adult, I have been lucky enough to have few moments of heartache, but have also learned that once you experience it there is no mistaking what it is.

The first time I can truly recall heartache was the day I filed for divorce. It wasn't an ache of fear or doubt, but one of grieving for a relationship that "should have been" - one that two people couldn't or didn't want to make work. Quite honestly, it was also the ache of failure. I could not believe that I was in that situation, and was heartsick about what my decision might do to my kids. Prayer, although a constant in my life, became even more important to me.

The next time was years later in an ICU waiting room. It's amazing how the feelings of utter despair can grab your heart and not let go. My aunt had, for more than three days, been bleeding into her brain. I discovered this upon a visit to check on her after what she called "a tiny little stroke that was taken care of through my femoral artery...no big deal." I was planning on a mini weekend visit just to be sure her "no biggie" and mine had the same definition. Through fault I place on multiple doctors with no communication, she had been taking three blood thinners - after the removal of a blood clot in her brain. That caused the brain bleed that led to an ambulance call and immediate surgery. So I found myself alone, in a waiting room, with the woman who'd been my mentor and surrogate mother for my whole life down the hall fighting for her's. Steeped in memories and fear for her future, I can remember praying like I've never prayed before.

I find myself in a heartache situation again, only this time it isn't a family member or my own situation that is at the source of the pain. I have an 8th grade student, A. He was diagnosed with cancer last year as a 7th grader and had to undergo multiple surgeries, the removal of a bone from his leg, and several rounds of chemo. I had heard about him - knew the 7th grade was doing fundraising etc. to help him through his difficult health crisis, but I didn't know A, himself. That changed in August of this year. I picked him out right away of course. He was the bald kid in the wheelchair with a huge group of friends gathered around him wherever he went. That was what I saw...what I came to know was that A is a kid who seems to light up the room when he is in it. His friends flock around him like bees to honey, not only because they are protective etc. but because he is a genuinely good person. He makes others laugh, has a great sense of humor and has remained amazingly positive through his entire ordeal. The one thing he hates is to miss school. One moment will forever be frozen in my mind where A is concerned. He was feeling ill one day and was refusing to call his parents to come pick him up. I finally talked with him privately and the look in his eyes when he tearfully told me he just wanted to be normal and go to school like everyone else crushed me. I am surrounded by kids all day, every day during the school year who don't want to be there...A, given all his problems just wanted to stay. What a kid. He wrote a paper for me recently about his cancer. In it he described the hospitals he's stayed in, the friends who have supported him and his decision to shave his head (his biggest hiccup during the beginning phases of chemo) before nature took its course. I was amazed at his positive attitude and perseverance. Not many adults I know would act the same way. Yesterday, A was told his cancer is back and is now in both lungs. It was a crushing blow to him, his family and his many friends. Here is a kid who has fought so hard and so long to reach the end of this disease only to be told he has six months to live. My heart aches for him. My prayers have centered on A and his family and friends. Only God knows what's in store for him.

I feel blessed to have had him as part of my classroom; my life. It seems in this case, the student did more teaching than the teacher did.